The Library Book Project – 18 June 2010

To read more about the library book project, click here.

I take the brown bottle out of the paper bag and place it on the kitchen counter. I stare at the label. The paper bag crackles as I scrunch it into a ball, and the noise seems to be obscenely loud. I throw it in the bin, almost angry with the bag for making such a racket. My mouth is dry as I walk back to the counter, where the bottle sits. My expectations aren’t heavy but my desperation is. The brown glass shows my face, contorted like my emotions. I’m not even strong enough to summon self-hatred, just more self-pity that rains down from the clouds of my consciousness, free flowing and plentiful.

I struggle to even open the bottle. After a couple of attempts I laugh at myself. I sound hysterical and wounded. The noise is so pathetic it spurs me on, and eventually the cap gives way and I’m looking at the little white pills. These are not my saviours, I know. But they might help. And at this point I’ll try anything, anything at all. The doctor thought they might work. But they might not. And I wonder if I can wait long enough to find out.

Because I can’t do this. It is now 5 o clock. He will come home in an hour and I will make dinner and then I’ll clean up and then we will watch TV and then we will lay in bed together without touching. I will lay there and think. And think. I will try not to shake as I cry. If I wake him, he’ll be annoyed. Silly woman. Yes, yes, I am a silly woman. Nothing more. The thought makes me want to consume every last tablet in this bottle, so I can escape.

I can’t escape.

I’m trapped behind this face. This face is not depressed. This face calls the children and chirps cheerfully down the phone at them. This face goes to work and natters with the office staff. This face is a regular at the local library.

This face swallows a pill.

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5 thoughts on “The Library Book Project – 18 June 2010

  1. This is well done, your written words (not the condition being referred to – I know that feeling from my past)! I’m guessing millions of women know this condition, but your method of expression is poignant and “right on”! We want to be loved and cared for, so very much, don’t we, and yet those emotions stay bottled up inside much like the prescription pills we take that do not fix the underlying situation. Your words are eloquent and telling!

    • Thanks! I just really tried to “go with the flow” of my thought. It’s so hard to be in that position, where you feel like you are literally breaking, but life and time marches on relentlessly, and somehow you go on too. For some lucky people like me, you wake up one day and you joyfully realize that, slowly, things have become better. Other people are not so fortunate.

      • Yes, I agree with you. Like you, I woke up and was able to move on, “learn” some of life’s lessons and become much much happier in the process! I am hopeful for all who are there now, that they can also make it through!

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