Copyright – Claire Fuller
To submit your own 100 word story for Friday Fictioneers, click here.
And it came to pass that the mother of Josephine didst die, yea, she perished on the sofa whilst watching television, and Josephine, being a righteous woman, did labour to prepare the funeral, and didst mourn for her mother.
Josephine, being much afflicted with grief, did seek comfort and solace from her sisters, but they were unbelieving harlots, yea, exceedingly sinful were they, and they caused Josephine’s heart to harden against the Lord.
And the Lord didst curse Josephine and her sisters, that they would be burdened with junk mail, and with bad skin, and behold, Josephine saw these things, and knew she had sinned, and did sorrowfully repent unto the Lord.
To Be A Magician 
That’s what unbelieving harlots do… Very funny, you got that language down perfectly, yeah verily.
I’m worried it came out a bit more Book of Mormon than Old Testament, it’s been a long time since I did any real Bible study.
lol so that is the cause of bad skin… could be… my skin got a lot nicer when i stopped drinking (and being a harlot) kidding. ^^ very entertaining, loved the language ^^
I think mine has actually become nicer since leaving church. Much less stress. 🙂
Oh! That was funny and a little spooky. I found it so. 😀
Interesting take on the prompt. 🙂
Thanks!
My first reaction: WTF? My second reaction: WTF? Then I looked at it again and I saw the satire. Not the expected take on the photo, which is a good thing (yea, verily).
Hahaha. 18+ years of church education, I had several WTF moments before and after atheism caught up with me…
Thou didst succeed superbly, darling! Lest thou thinkest that the word darling is not Old Testament enough, I believe thou wilt find it somewhere in the Songs of Solomon, though I wouldn’t-est bet on it.
I loved how the “old language” elevated the mundane passing of the mother on the couch in front of the television into something of a religious event. Well done.
We weren’t allowed to study the Songs of Solomon in seminary, apparently they were mistranslated or not divinely inspired or something like that, so I’ll take your word for it! 😀
Hah! I enjoyed this so much! I really didst!
🙂 Thank you!
I enjoyed the language you used here and the ideas in this flash. I see now how deeply your life has been steeped in a church education and how you may have conceived these ideas. A crazy read, definitely different! Well done. (Just watch out for thunderbolts now for a while!)
Don’t worry, I’ve said far more blasphemous things before now, and everything’s been fine.
Ah! I love blasphemy almost as much as I love a life of ‘sin’. You’ve made an excellent job of it, as usual.
Why thank you.
Zebra, I really enjoyed the language. But most of all I loved the punishment of bad skin and junk-mail.
Tack så mycket
Björn
People have taken more mundane things as signs of God before… Cheeto Jesus, anyone?
Hehehehe! A page from 1st Misskzebra, Chapter 4, Verse 11. Deliciously wicked!
It’s interesting you should say that, during my last year of seminary, the teacher would write down anything stupid/funny we said and stick it on the wall and tag it as Book of Lauren 1:1 etc. My favourite was, “Didn’t Florence Nightingale sing at Gordon B. Hinkley’s funeral?” Bearing in mind Hinkley died around six years ago, I think not…
Dear Ms. KZebra,
Yay verily didst this afford us a chuckle and a guffaw. T’was a good read. Well done thou good and faithful fictioneer.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thou must not say such things, lest I become puffed up and full of vanity….
Oh those harlots – great tone and voice – the undercurrent knowledge that there are some who believe what the narrator says gives a hard edge..
I knew seminary would come in useful one day…
Beautiful. That’s a great style of language. So that’s the deal with junk mail. I should have known. 🙂
Yup. Just keep praying and your doormat shall not be burdened.
Dear Misskzebra,
Your story had me in stitches. What wonderful use of language. Any store with the word harlot in it has my vote.
Aloha,
Doug
Ah, I actually remember very clearly the morning scripture study session all those years ago when I asked: “Mum, what’s a harlot?”
Big smile! I can actually see this one as I truly know people like Josephine!
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/friday-fictioneers-ff-dispelling-the-evening-rated-r-8222013-horrorsuspense/
I am surrounded by them.
🙂
Well told and great use of the language.
Thanks. 🙂
Excellent piece Missk I loved the punishments, junk mail, imagine that forever!!
I think if she hadn’t have turned it around, the cold callers would have been next…
This made me think of Monty Python–which inevitably made me smile. Hilarious! I loved the combination of modern day events with the old language.
Can you keep a secret? I still haven’t watched Monty Python. It was forbidden in my parents’ house.
Hi Zebra,
You’ve captured Elizabethan prose! You should definitely update the old classic with a new book, the book of Josephine. Extremely creative. Ron
Ah, something tells me the majority of Bible readers wouldn’t be too receptive to that idea…
This made me smile. Beware unbelieving harlots!
Time to start preaching repentance…
Oh, I love this in all of its irreverence! And use of the word ‘harlot’ is always guaranteed to raise a smile over here…
Oh, the word “whore” is so overused…
Indeed! And I think harlot is much more classy 🙂
Oh, that is priceless! I definitely got the Old Testament vibe
I admit, I dug my scriptures out before writing this, just so I got the feel again.
Zoinks! Now I know why I get so much junk mail!
Very well written, I love the archaic language style mixed with the very modern setting – very good 🙂
It’s hard to get into the language, but once you’re there, it’s easy.
Poor Josephine, all that junk mail. Makes me wonder what I did too…
I’m sure Satan is to blame for yours..
WIll the harlots never learn?
No, they will continue to destruction…
That’s outrageously funny. You did well to maintain that biblical voice all the way through. Bless you.
Thanks!
Hahaha! Verily I say to you, thine piece dost shine as bright as the fires of hell upon unrepentant souls!
This is fabulous.
I’m glad you enjoyed it. 😀
Bad skin. Oh no, I feel as if I wear my sins on my face.
Haha, reminds me of what Roald Dahl writes in The Twits.
😉
If I sorrowfully repent unto the Lord what will he do for bad hair? Funny touch here, Ms Z!
He wants you to give all your money to me, and then he’ll fix everything that’s wrong with your life, including your hair.
Hilarious and wonderfully well written. Amusing from the minute her poor mum kicks the bucket.
Thanks!
Now that was fun and funny. 🙂