Can’t believe it’s time for another round of Friday Fictioneers! If you’d like to read the other stories or read the FF rules, click here.
EDIT: The extended version of this piece can be found here.
I stand in the dark, with only the smell of urine to keep me company. I’m a trespasser, not just to this abandoned building, but to this country which you seem to have claimed for yourself. Every odd little custom and saying reminds me of the weeks in which we first met, where my looks of amusement would prompt explanations from you. “That’s just something we say where I’m from.”
I’m now in the place where you are from, in the very building you said you lived in.
“You fucking bastard.” I breathe.
That’s something we say where I’m from.
Great MissK, excellent take on the prompt. dark and truthful I would say.
Very good – I loved the twist.
I read this as a woman falling for a real chancer and deciding to visit him at his “home” – in another country, no less! I’m guessing he felt the need to keep his holiday romance just that, and scattered liberally with lies.
This story started out as something very different to me, not sure how it ended up the way it did!
Brilliant, and such a killer ending 😉
Oh that’s harsh. Another one lying on his profile or something similar. The ending line sums it all up perfectly.
absolutely love the ending.glad she confronted the bastard about his lies.he sounds like a real jerk.:-)
Glad you enjoyed reading! 🙂
I’m not quite sure what it’s all about but it sounds like fair retribution to me. And I love the smell of fresh urine in the morning!
Better than stale urine, I guess!
Sounds like he lied and she’s found him out. I didn’t feel like she confronted him, though, but rather that he left and she found out about his lies when she went to this place he said he lived. You really wrapped it up with your last two lines and tied it all together.
Thanks for reading. 🙂
Great last line, great back story.
I’m sure she could have said worse. She’s been betrayed.
I think he wasn’t expecting things to go this far.
Nice ending. 🙂 Glad she called him on his lies.
Maybe he had a good reason for lying. 😉
I really like this. I know this guy, and his brother.
Haha, I think everyone knows someone like this.
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This piece blew me away, darling. This is, in my never-so-humble opinion, the best thing I’ve read of yours. Intentional or not, this piece has multiple readings — literally, the story of an abductee/prisoner — but it can also be a metaphor for entrapment of other kinds. Brilliant, darling. Simply brilliant.
I really respect your opinion, so this means a lot to me. I have to be honest and say I didn’t picture my protagonist as a prisoner. However, I did really want the reader to ask themselves why he lied, and why she would be so devastated about it that she would stand in a horrible, dirty, abandoned building to prove to herself that he wasn’t there. I haven’t thought the whole thing through, but I saw them more as colleagues than lovers.
The more I read it (and I read it over a dozen times!) I realized that my first reading led me a bit astray — that perhaps your protagonist isn’t a prisoner or an abductee, (not literally, anyway — but mentally??) but rather someone who’s just been led astray. I maintain that either way it’s brilliant, and that the layers to this story are amazing!
To clarify further, if they were lovers, why would she feel like such a trespasser?
I saw that in a kind of Bluebeard way — that she was seeing things she wasn’t supposed to. That this person had lied to her and hid the truth from her — the dumpy, dingy atmosphere you describe, with the urine smell and decay — sounded to me like a dangerous place — the kind of place that a person with secrets would want to hide.
Also – I think that I *incorrectly* made the assumption that she’d been put there, rather than found her way there herself. Take away that false assumption and it does change the piece significantly.
Weirdly enough, when I began writing this, she was the one who was hiding. That’s the problem with flash fiction, the story changes not only as you write, but as you mull it over afterwards. 🙂
I’d love to see what you could do with this even within 1000 word context. Maybe clarify some of these things, explore the other ideas you had.
I’m actually quite tempted. I’m always promising I’ll build on FF stories and I never do. If I get around to it, I’ll let you know.
Please do… this story really caught my interest (hell, I’m writing back story in my head — I think that’s what makes it so great — it really got me thinking of scenarios and possibilities and interpretations…)
Well done. That’s something we say where I’m from.
Loved the story within this story-so many cheater and liars around nowadays-specially with the anonymity that social networking provides-sigh!
I have a suspicion that his reasons for lying are a bit more complex than it seems, but even I can’t figure out why.
Ohh..emotions are so complex at times that it is tough to gauge the why’s and wherefores 😉
I bet he looked nothing like his photo on the on-line dating site either. Like Helena, I thought this was one of your best so far (you keep raising the bar).
I’m really glad to hear that. I feel like I’ve been stalling of late.
Wow. This is brilliant. I liked it so much I read it through twice.
Thank you, I’m really glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
this is so good.. soo haunting.. and still that final killer line.
I feel like I’ve been using the last line repetition thing too much lately, but I couldn’t resist here.
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Wonderfully told. Loved it.
I like the tension you created. Nicely done!
Very good!!! (Something I say where I am from).