“Link! Wake up!”
Link’s eyelids were sticky with yesterday’s eyeliner, but he could just about make out the blurry white light that was Navi. He screwed his eyes shut and pulled the thin blanket over his head.
“Fuck off, Navi.”
The sun hadn’t even risen yet.
“Link! You need to get up! What about Zelda?”
“She’ll be fine for another few hours, I’m sure.” Link’s voice was muffled by the blanket.
“But Gannondorf has her held hostage in his castle…”
“Exactly, she’s a hostage, he’s not going to kill her anytime soon is he? That would defeat the point of having a hostage!” Link emerged from under his bedding and then turned onto his other side.
“That’s not the point!” Navi exclaimed angrily. She started bouncing against the back of Link’s head.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”
Link sat up and glared at Navi with his kohl smeared eyes before getting out of bed. He pulled on his green tunic, muttering curse words under his breath.
“Do you not have anything else to wear?” asked Navi, sceptically. “You’ve worn that tunic for the past three days. Doesn’t it need washing?”
“No. If I had something else I wouldn’t be wearing something so… green. I mean, couldn’t the Kokiri have a better colour?”
“They are a forest people, what colour do you expect them to wear? Black?”
“There’s nothing wrong with black!” Link said.
“I suppose it wouldn’t show the dirt as much.” Navi said, disdainfully looking at all muck and blood on Link’s tunic.
After Link had taken a revitalizing swig of Relentless, they exited his tree house. The Kokiri avoided his surly gaze as he sauntered towards the path to Hyrule Castle.
Halfway across Hyrule field, Link’s stomach grumbled.
“Why is there no place decent you can eat around here?” he moaned.
“Well, we can go to the ranch and get some milk. Or there’s that kid selling beans by Zora’s river…” suggested Navi.
“I don’t want shitty magic beans. Or milk. You’d think there’d be a pub or something around here.”
Link sulked all the way to Hyrule Market, where they finally picked up some more Relentless and packet of crisps.
“You’re going to try and defeat Gannondorf on some Relentless and a packet of crisps?” Navi asked, her shrill, annoying voice full of doubt. “What about the Lon Lon milk you were given?”
“I’m lactose intolerant. Spent all that time chasing his bloody chickens, and I got milk I can’t even drink. He wouldn’t give me my money back, even when I reminded him that I saved his ass at Hyrule Castle, the ungrateful git.”
Tired, and in a foul mood, Link reached Ganondorf’s castle, but there was no bridge to get to the front door over the pool of lava.
“Well, I suppose that’s the end of that.” Link started to turn around.
“Use the Sages’ power.” commanded Navi.
“Why can’t the Sages do all this stuff themselves? I mean, they actually have like, magical powers and stuff, why I am doing all their dirty work for them?”
“Zelda’s got magic, why do I even have to rescue her?!”
“You have the Master Sword, the only thing that can defeat-“ started Navi.
“I only have the Master Sword because Zelda-“
“-Just shut up and call the sages!”
They called the Sages and a bridge made of colourful light appeared in front of them
“Ooooh, pretty!” said Navi.
“Vom.” Link rolled his eyes and stomped across the bridge.
Once they finally reached the top of the castle, Link and Gannondorf faced off in an epic battle. Link was just about to give the final blow with his master sword, when he suddenly stopped.
“Woah, dude, where do you get those boots? They’re dope.”
Gannondorf looked down at his footwear and then looked up at Link.
“Trade you the boots for your Triforce piece.”
Link considered this.